WHAT IF FIGHTING FEEDS IT? The story of Milarepa and the demons.

 

WHAT IF FIGHTING FEEDS IT? The story of Milarepa and the demons.

September 11, 2026

Sweeping demons in Milarepa's cave

  

  When we encounter something unpleasant, our instinct is to change it. Anxiety? Stop it. Anger? Get rid of it. Grief? Get through it. Fear? Conquer it. Sadness? Cheer up. Troubling thoughts? Stop thinking about them. But what if those efforts sometimes make things worse?There is an old story about the sage Milarepa. After gathering firewood, he returned to find his cave full of demons. First, he tried to shoo them away. Then he fought them and attempted to teach them the Dharma, but nothing worked. It sounds as though he needed an exterminator—or at least a better demon-removal strategy.Frustrated, Milarepa tried again and again to fight, chase, and beg the demons to leave. Still, nothing worked. Finally, he simply accepted that they were there, and, as if by magic, many of them disappeared. One remained: a huge, terrifying demon with enormous teeth and a fierce presence. Milarepa placed his head inside its mouth, allowing it to do whatever it would. Then, in a flash, it disappeared too.So, is the lesson simply accepting everything? No. I have often assumed that if something was painful, frightening, embarrassing, disturbing, or otherwise a problem, my task was to make it go away. Sometimes, however, that effort feeds the very thing I am trying to escape. As the old saying goes, “What we resist persists.”Another familiar idea is that “the obstacle is the path.” We may think, “This demon is keeping me from practicing. Once I get rid of it, I can finally practice deeply.” Yet dealing with the demon may be the practice itself. Eventually, we may realize that the struggle to eliminate it is part of what keeps it alive.I have often thought that practice was something I could begin after dealing with whatever was “interfering” with my progress. I applied this thinking to noisy neighbors, difficult people, anxiety, anger, grief, pain, and restlessness. I assumed that once I got past these distractions, I could finally practice. The important distinction I discovered was that meeting those distractions was the practice.For example, I recently had surgery, and my sleep schedule became badly disrupted during recovery. I would wake up at 1:30 a.m. and remain awake for a long time. I fought it, telling myself, “I have to sleep because that is when healing happens.” Yet there I would lie, completely awake. When I noticed myself thinking, I would command, “Stop thinking! Stop thinking!” That was my demon.Once I relaxed and stopped fighting so hard, I realized that I could simply rest instead of forcing myself to sleep. Soon, I would drift back to sleep on my own.There is an important distinction here: acceptance does not mean helplessness. It does not mean tolerating harm, ignoring danger, or refusing to act. Instead, it may require changing our idea of the problem, especially when the experience is already happening and we are in the middle of fighting it.I often look to Buddhism for better ways to get rid of my demons. Sometimes its answer is simply, “Sit. Here is a cushion.”The questions to ask are: What am I fighting right now? Does it need to be fought? Am I making it stronger by resisting it? What might happen if, even for a moment, I gave up the struggle? Perhaps then I could glimpse a path toward release and acceptance.AT IF FIGHTING FEEDS IT? The story of Milarepa and the demons. 

When we encounter something unpleasant, our instinct is to change it. Anxiety? Stop it. Anger? Get rid of it. Grief? Get through it. Fear? Conquer it. Sadness? Cheer up. Troubling thoughts? Stop thinking about them. But what if those efforts sometimes make things worse?

There is an old story about the sage Milarepa. After gathering firewood, he returned to find his cave full of demons. First, he tried to shoo them away. Then he fought them and attempted to teach them the Dharma, but nothing worked. It sounds as though he needed an exterminator—or at least a better demon-removal strategy.

Frustrated, Milarepa tried again and again to fight, chase, and beg the demons to leave. Still, nothing worked. Finally, he simply accepted that they were there, and, as if by magic, many of them disappeared. One remained: a huge, terrifying demon with enormous teeth and a fierce presence. Milarepa placed his head inside its mouth, allowing it to do whatever it would. Then, in a flash, it disappeared too.

So, is the lesson simply accepting everything? No. I have often assumed that if something was painful, frightening, embarrassing, disturbing, or otherwise a problem, my task was to make it go away. Sometimes, however, that effort feeds the very thing I am trying to escape. As the old saying goes, “What we resist persists.”

Another familiar idea is that “the obstacle is the path.” We may think, “This demon is keeping me from practicing. Once I get rid of it, I can finally practice deeply.” Yet dealing with the demon may be the practice itself. Eventually, we may realize that the struggle to eliminate it is part of what keeps it alive.

I have often thought that practice was something I could begin after dealing with whatever was “interfering” with my progress. I applied this thinking to noisy neighbors, difficult people, anxiety, anger, grief, pain, and restlessness. I assumed that once I got past these distractions, I could finally practice. The important distinction I discovered was that meeting those distractions was the practice.

For example, I recently had surgery, and my sleep schedule became badly disrupted during recovery. I would wake up at 1:30 a.m. and remain awake for a long time. I fought it, telling myself, “I have to sleep because that is when healing happens.” Yet there I would lie, completely awake. When I noticed myself thinking, I would command, “Stop thinking! Stop thinking!” That was my demon.

Once I relaxed and stopped fighting so hard, I realized that I could simply rest instead of forcing myself to sleep. Soon, I would drift back to sleep on my own.

There is an important distinction here: acceptance does not mean helplessness. It does not mean tolerating harm, ignoring danger, or refusing to act. Instead, it may require changing our idea of the problem, especially when the experience is already happening and we are in the middle of fighting it.

A more important distinction is this.  If your demon is addiction,  'invite the demon in' does not mean invite the addiciton back into your life.  Not surrendering to a craving, we can still see maybe the demon isn't the addiction at all.  It is what happens to us, inside us when the addiction starts calling.  The craving, fear, loneliness.  The little voice says, 'just this once'  and you can still just not partake.  That is powerful.   Remember as Milarepa tries to get rid of the demons he becomes increasingly forceful, they become more stuck and stubborn.  He does not give up and let them have run of the place just like you don't have to give up and let the craving take you.  Once you get to the point where you can really be with the idea that 'there IS craving'.  And to boot, don't think of the demons as the addiction, it is what you are trying to 'treat' (loneliness, fear, frustration etc) that is the demon.  

I often look to Buddhism for better ways to get rid of my demons. Sometimes its answer is simply, “Sit. Here is a cushion.”  I don't need to solve anything, just be with the feeling, the demon and it soon fades.

The questions to ask are: What am I fighting right now? Does it need to be fought? Am I making it stronger by resisting it? What might happen if, even for a moment, I gave up the struggle? Perhaps then I could glimpse a path toward release and acceptance.

The Buddist in War; Commentary on Zen teacher Nissim Amon's advice to combatants.

 References first.  

https://www.reddit.com/r/zenbuddhism/comments/17whqqx/israeli_zen_teacher_nissim_amon_gives_advice_for/

https://www.instagram.com/p/Czr6oiBtKdi/

https://youtu.be/n60VKiVY5Is?si=un-7DO_2jsQZqx7j

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14639947.2021.2145683#:~:text=Buddhism%20endorses%20the%20concept%20of,to%20protect%20what%20is%20good.

https://www.urbandharma.org/udharma6/militarycanon.html

https://www.thezensite.com/ZenEssays/CriticalZen/Making_Merit_Through_Warfare_and_Torture.pdf

https://buddhistmilitarysangha.blogspot.com/2010/06/dalai-lamas-message-to-armed-forces.html

https://www.h-net.org/reviews/showrev.php?id=29747

https://www.buddhistinquiry.org/article/the-buddha-taught-nonviolence-not-pacifism/

https://blogs.icrc.org/religion-humanitarianprinciples/a-humanitarian-re-reading-of-the-angulimala-sutta/#:~:text=The%20Angulimala%20Sutta%20is%20a,and%20wore%20around%20his%20neck.

https://alanpeto.com/buddhism/buddhist-soldier-military/

https://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/the-buddha-as-warrior

Nissim Amon, an Israeli Zen teacher, recently posted a video offering practical advice to Israeli soldiers on becoming “super fighters.” It has, unsurprisingly, ruffled some feathers.

Buddhism generally rejects violence, and refraining from taking life is the first of the Five Precepts many Buddhists undertake. Zen, however, has developed its own emphases and cultural expressions within the Mahayana tradition. In modern settings—especially among people drawn to “secular Buddhism”—Zen is often presented less as a religion and more as a practical philosophy, stripped of much of its ritual and devotional framework.

At its most familiar, Zen emphasizes direct attention to the present moment and full engagement with the task at hand. That helps explain its long association with disciplined practices such as flower arranging, the tea ceremony, archery, and martial arts.

Amon’s teaching fits that practical side of Zen: focus, breathe, let go. In the video I saw, he did not speak at length about who was being shot, nor did he explicitly call for killing a particular person. Of course, that distinction may feel like splitting hairs. Many viewers understandably heard the advice in the context of an actual war, where the consequences are anything but abstract.

The first part of his advice is about composure and precision: do not panic, do not hesitate, and use the breath to steady the mind before acting. The point, as he presents it, is disciplined attention under pressure.

He then turns to the importance of breathing and, after the battle, of resting and meditating rather than becoming trapped in guilt or anguish. His message is to stay functional during the crisis, then allow grief and emotion to come later, when there is room to face them.

The most troubling line is his call to be “without compassion or mercy” in battle. Yet versions of that idea appear in warrior literature, including the Hagakure and other writings associated with bushido: hesitation can endanger both the warrior and those around him. The Bhagavad Gita—not a Buddhist text—also unfolds on a battlefield, where Arjuna receives spiritual and practical counsel about duty, action, and violence. Buddhist literature, too, does not ignore conflict. Texts and stories such as the Seyya Jataka, the Mahasilava Jataka, the Kakacupama Sutta, and the Upayakausalya Sutra wrestle, in different ways, with aggression, restraint, intention, and the protection of others. These sources do not offer a simple endorsement of war, but neither do they pretend violence does not exist.

From the Buddha’s time to our own, wars, uprisings, and atrocities have touched nearly every region and culture, Buddhist or otherwise. We may long for a world without violence, war, or suffering; that longing is one reason we practice. Practice teaches us to see how violence creates more suffering. Wisdom, however, also asks us to acknowledge that violence exists—and that defense may sometimes become necessary. The hard question is not whether harm is good. It is how to respond without surrendering our humanity.

When I was staying at “my” temple, I once asked a monk, “What do we do if we are attacked?” He answered patiently, one step at a time. First, lock the doors and keep the gate closed. If someone gets in, tell them to leave. If they refuse, move away. If they chase you, run. If they strike, block the blow. If necessary, try to disarm them. And if every effort to escape or de-escalate fails, defend yourself appropriately. “We would try not to hurt them and try not to kill them,” he said. “If it happens, then we take on that karma, don’t we?” That was about it: remain as peaceful and nonviolent as possible, and if peace no longer protects anyone, do the least harm you can. He then told me a story about an archer and merchants on a boat—a story about weighing karmic action against the responsibility to protect innocent people.

In the end, a soldier has a duty and a sworn obligation to protect. That duty does not erase the karma—or the moral weight—of violence and killing. But a disciplined state of mind may reduce panic, prevent needless harm, and help a soldier avoid injuring an innocent person or animal.

For that reason, I understand what Amon is trying to offer. He captures something recognizably Zen about action: be present, do what must be done, and do not let the mind scatter. In a terrible war, that teaching may also offer soldiers a measure of steadiness and hope.

As I heard it, Amon was not calling violence into being; he was speaking to people already living inside it. In the video I saw, he did not call for the killing of a particular civilian, child, or named person. The implied setting was a soldier confronting another combatant. Even then, taking life breaks the first precept and carries karmic consequences. That tension should not be waved away. At the same time, it is unrealistic to imagine that an individual soldier can simply step outside a battle once it has begun. Having counseled war veterans and active-duty service members, I have found that offering them steadiness, hope, and a way to carry the moral burden of their experience is often more helpful than condemning them for the circumstances they faced. Compassion should not disappear when a person wears a uniform. If our aim is to foster calm, contemplation, and wisdom, then our response must be both morally serious and humane.

When we begin walking the path of Dharma, we meditate, contemplate the teachings, and slowly learn to see for ourselves why stealing, killing, and other harmful actions are unskillful. That understanding can help us grow beyond who we are—and who we have been. Angulimala, the murderer who transformed his life and became an arahant, is the most dramatic reminder that the path remains open even after terrible actions.

For me, that is the heart of the matter. The question is not whether violence becomes pure simply because it is committed in the name of duty. It does not. The better question is whether a person can act to preserve safety and justice without feeding hatred, vengeance, or delight in destruction. A soldier may be far from enlightenment and still take a first step toward wisdom by guarding intention, limiting harm, and remembering the humanity of everyone caught in the conflict. Zen cannot make war clean. Perhaps it can help a person move through an unclean reality with greater awareness—and return from it with enough humanity left to grieve, reflect, and heal.

 

ORIGINAL BEFORE EDITS ABOVE:  There is a Zen 'teacher' in Isreal named Nissim Amon.  He just posted a video on the practical tips for Israeli soldiers to become 'super fighters' and it has ruffled some feathers. 

In general, Buddhism abhors violence and taking a life is one of the first precepts we take as a practice when becomming a Buddhist.   However, Zen often has its own take and does not closely follow Buddhism as it is in other Mahayana or Theravada traditions.  This is why many times Zen is almost considered its own philosophy.   Especially in these modern times when people prefer what is now called 'secular Buddhism' that does not have dogmatic, ritualistic or religious undertones.  

Zen as it is focuses much more on the present moment, the task at hand etc.  This is why Zen has taken so well to practices like flower arranging, tea ceremonies, archery and even martial arts.  

Rev. Amon's take and teaching is right in align with the current teachings of Zen as it is.  Focus, breathe, let go.  He did not discuss who was being shot necessarily, nor did he say anything about killing another person.  Ok, ok.  This is splitting hairs and reading the opposite of what many have read into his video.  

The first part of the advice it to keep your composure and your precision.  To take the time to aim and then shoot, not to panic or to hesitate.  He teaches to take a breath and shoot once.  

Then he teaches the greatness of the breath , then after the battle, to rest. to meditate not on guilt or agony. Be able to let go and cry later, not duiring the battle. 

TO be without compassion and mercy at the time of the battle.  This is a common teaching of the Hagakure as well as other Bushido teachings, and all teachings of warriors and 'how' to battle.  In the Baghavadgita (although not a Buddhist text) the whole discussion is about war and violence and gives karmic and practical advice to a warrior or king's army.  In the Seyya Jataka, Mahasilava Jataka, Anguttara Nikaya,  Kakacupama Sutta,  Arya-Bodhisattva-gocara Upayavisayavikurvana nirdesa sutra, Upayakausalya sutra, among others describe war, soldiers and the responses to and for violence.  So it is not ignored, nor completely condemned as many would think. 

If we look back in time, all the back to The Buddha's time, there have been wars, fighting and atrocities in EVERY region and country, Buddhist or not up and into this very day.  We would love to see a world with no violence, no war, no suffering and this is why we practice.  We practice to understand that war, violence and such causes more suffering.  Just like the Buddha taught.  But to be wise means to understand that violence and war exisits and defending and fighting are at times necessary.

When I was staying at 'my' temple I asked the monk.  'What do we do if we get attacked?'  He said 'we lock the doors and keep the gate closed so bad guys don't enter'.  If they do?  'We tell them to leave'.  "If they don't?  'We get away from them', 'If they chase us?' 'We run', 'they hit us?' 'We block the hit'.  'If they strike us?' 'We try and disarm them', 'if they try and kill us?'  'If all of that does not work, we can defend ourselves appropriately'.   'We would try not to hurt them, try to not kill them, if it happens, well, then we take on that karma don't we?'  And that was about it.  So basically be as non violent and peaceful as you can.  There comes a point where that will not work, so do the least amount of harm.  Then he told me of the archer and the merchants on the boat.  A great story of weighing karmic action and debt in the face of violence and protecting the innocent. 

The truth of the matter is, in the end a soldier has a duty and a sworn oath to protect.  He or she is not exempt from karmic acts of violence or killing, but the right mind set can make sure he or she makes no mistake and hurts an innocent person or animal. 

I agree with Rev. (or Roshi?) Amon.  He has nailed the idea of being present and 'Zen' of an action.  Offering solace as well as hope to soldiers in this terrible 'police action' war.  

At the end of it all, he did not call for violence as it was already a reality and occuring for those he was speaking to.  He did not (in the video I saw) call for the killing of any specific person or persons (civilian, children etc).  It is assumed that the soldier is confronting another soldier.  It is indeed kill or be killed.  And yes, that does break the first precept.  And yes, there is a karmic debt.  But that too is a present action.  One cannot simply decide to not fight during a battle or war.  Having counselled many war veterans and active duty military I find that the offering of hope and encouragment to do the duty they signed up for is far more effective than admonishing them for the position they were in at the time of the battle.  That would be not very compassionate, nor wise.  Remember we are trying to foster calm, contemlpation and wisdom in people.  

When we begin on the path of the Dharma we begin to meditate and contemplate the teachings, and over time we can come to the conclusion ourselves that it is unskillful to steal, kill, etc.  In that we can become better and bigger than we currently are (or were) just like Angulimala did, and he became an arahant!  

The best example here (see references above) is the advice of the Buddha.  “Can you do this task as an upholder of safety and justice, fo­cused on love of those you protect rather than on hate for those you must kill? If you are acting with vengeance or delight in destruction, then you are not at all a student of Dhamma. But if your hard job can be done with a base of pure mind, while you are clearly not living the life of an enlightened person, you are still able to begin walking the path towards harmony and compassion.”  

Becoming a good human through practice

 One of the oldest teachings in Buddhism is that to be born as a human being is an extraordinary opportunity.

Not because we are more important than other forms of life, but because human life offers something unique. We experience joy and disappointment, success and failure, friendship and conflict, hope and uncertainty. We possess enough freedom to choose our actions and enough awareness to learn from them. Every day presents another opportunity to shape the kind of person we are becoming.

One of the newer tasks I have is as a 'SPIRE' educator (Special Programs In Religious Edcuation, for the Untited States Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs).  Whether you are a cadet preparing to lead others, a student balancing school and work, a parent raising a family, or someone simply trying to make sense of life, the question is the same:

Who am I becoming through what I practice every day?

Practice is not limited to meditation cushions or temples. We practice every time we respond to criticism, complete a difficult task, speak honestly, face fear, keep a promise, or choose compassion over resentment. Our repeated actions become habits. Our habits shape our character. Our character influences the lives of everyone around us.

The Buddhist path is not primarily about believing certain ideas. It is about training the mind and cultivating qualities that help us live wisely and well. Patience, courage, integrity, compassion, mindfulness, and equanimity are not talents we either possess or lack—they are qualities strengthened through practice, just as physical fitness is developed through repeated training.

This guide is not intended to tell you what to believe. It is an invitation to observe your own experience, ask honest questions, and experiment with practices that have helped people cultivate wisdom for over twenty-five centuries.

Life will always present challenges: demanding studies, military service, careers, relationships, uncertainty, loss, success, failure, and moments that test our character. None of these can be avoided. Yet each of them can become part of our training.

The goal is not to become perfect.

The goal is to become more fully human.

One decision.

One breath.

One practice at a time.

This is a first stepping stone on my path as a teacher and guide. I am currently developing this into a theme for the year for my YouTube channel (The Centered Path) as well as my teaching/guiding at the United States Air Force Academy as a SPIRE instructor, at the hospital I do activity therapy at as well as recovery centers I work with. Wish me luck and come walk with me for a while?!

Impermanence and change

 'Things change, Kundun'...  

Indeed they do.  We had to (hopefully temporarily) close up shop and all meditations for a little while so I can find a new venue to have classes.  

The landlord of the building passed away and we had to move.  I am planning on more videos to post and perhaps do some online teaching as well. Let's see what happens!. 

Another part of the adventure.  Thank you all for following and helping me make this happen. 

I appreciate it. 

Dr. Sean

Putting practice into action. The 10 paramitas.

                    Putting practice into action, the 10 paramitas.   

I spend some time on Reddit and answer questions about Buddhism and mental health.  I work in mental health as a meditation teacher and activity specialist at a local mental hospital.  I am also a Buddhist minister/priest and both of those together really make a difference.  Over the past decade I have held meditation classes and dharma study at my office, there I have a small but dedicated group of people I would sincerely call my 'good Dharma friends.  They learn from me a little and I learn from them, alot.  

In today's world we have a very complex culture which is a mish mash of other cultures that at one time was proudly called the mixing pot of America, where all these things can come together and enrich eachother and benefit all.  Now we have 'diversity' training, cultural appropriation and the ever rich topic of 'colonization'.   So where does a practicing Buddhist put thier efforts?   

I was having a conversation with my teacher this morning.  I am invited to speak on mental health in Australia in August.  One of the topics is relating to how Buddhism can help others and to help make Buddhism more understood and accepted.   We discussed diversity.  Diversity is a fact.  We can see it all around us, we can hear it, sense it in all interactions we have in this super connected world of the internet.  However, what do you do with that?  We then have the choice to accept it, to work with it, to learn and become enriched because of it.  Right?

I do my work teaching people how to live better using Buddhism as a life practice.  Not necessarily to achieve Nirvana, to get to the Pureland, to achieve merit.  But to live in peace and learn to live in this world with people that are diverse.  To do this, we have specific trainings to do, the Paramitas. 

The Paramitas (which means 'perfections') and we try and perfect our actions to become more at peace with ourselves and the world.  Here is how you do that. 

The first of the Paramitas is 'Dana' which is simply 'generocity' this does not just mean money.  It means time, effort, money, work, and even generocity of love itself.  We practice this to help others practice more, and traditionally we want to support our teachers (the monks and nuns) which have no other jobs to make the bills etc, so we give to them when and how we can.  

The second is 'Sila'  which is the Pali word for 'morality'.  Morality is a complex topic and has many layers depending on social norms, laws, culture and tradition.  We study and practice being 'moral'.   We are trying to live 'right'.  Picking up after ourselves, being courteous, following just rules, promoting what is considered 'good' in society, the family and nature.  

The third is 'renunciation' or 'Nekkamma' in Pali.  What do we renounce?  Everything?  No.  Not for the laity.  For The Buddha he did renounce everything, left his palace, cut his hair, gave all his belongings away and renounced that life.  We, however, should only consider it if we can.  We can renounce other things like gluttony, wastefulness, pitiness, spitefulness, and opulance.  

The fourth is 'Khanti' or in English, 'patience'.  There is also a hint of foregiveness, and forebearance.  This is a very important one and as you can tell, inter twined with the previous ones.   Being patient with ourselves, others, the 'way' things are, and being observant.  This is where meditation really can make a differrence.  Especially insight meditations.  We start to see changes in our 'fuse' when we develop patience.  

Fifth is 'Energy' or in Pali called as 'Virya' (similar to virile and similar words, right?)/  We use and develop our energy, our enthusiasm and effort to do and be better.  This is a core concept in the paramis that feeds all  the others as well.  To keep our energy up for this work, we need to also meditate on the hows and whys we are pracaticing at all.  

Sixth is  on the list is 'meditation' or  maintaining a stable mind.  (Upekkha) or equanimity. 

Skillful means (honesty or truthfulness) in Pali (Sacca). 

Resolution/ Determination (Adhitthana)

Metta or loving kindness and good will. 

Wisdom (Panna)

The difference between the Paramis and Paramitas.  (Paramitas mostly Northern and Eastern). i.e. Mahayana.  In the Paramis but not in the Paramitas is renunciation, Truthfuilness, Determination, and knowledge.  

Causing my own suffering, all with the sole of my shoe.

 I have spent a lot of time around monks and nuns in temples, retreat centers and conferences.  There is a whole set of protocols to become more conscious of and I learn something every time I am with the monks and nuns.  I found that being very observant and careful have helped me to not only stay out of trouble, but gain the respect and trust of monks and nuns all over the world. 

After the tsunami of 2005 in Sri Lanka I had the great opportunity to go there and observe and participate in some of the recovery efforts.  I was there with a group called Bosath Educational Foundation where we sponsored schools and supplies for children in areas undeserved and in need.  The tsunami was a special time to be there  and not only see the efforts to recover and rebuild but also participate in the planning for future events and the Buddhist response.  I was there for the conference as a lay person, an atache for my teacher Bhante Chao Chu.  It was pretty early on in my experience with monks, nuns, temples and all the protocols, so I stayed in the background most of the time, observing and just absorbing the atmosphere and amazing experience. 

The conference center was set in three main sections, the center and front for the 'maha' sangha (the heavy hitters of monks and nuns, more senior and special guests, behind them was the sangha, the monks old and young.  Each chair covered in a white sheet, with ear-piece translation devices that were not offered to the laity and general attendees.   I, for example sat in the far back stage right, so I could possibly take photos.  Since I had a couple cameras no one really bothered me as I walked around and took photos from as many angles and distances as I could think of.  I am no photographer.  I took over 800 photos on that trip and probably only got two worth keeping. 

At one point in the day's events, Bhante motioned down to me to come to him in the front row.  At the time there was some presentation going on at the stage which he wanted me to take some photos of the presenter, my friend and Dharma brother Dhammaruchi.  He ran a Vipassana Buddhist Church in Missouri and had prepared a paper and presentation for the conference. 

As I knelt in front of my teacher, he instructed me on what he wanted and I completed the photos as he wanted them.  I returned to him and he motioned to have me sit next to him.  I did and showed him the photos on the digital camera.  I sat with him for a few minutes and became more comfortable.  Too comfortable.  I had sat with my legs crossed, in a figure four position, with the sole of my shoe facing the stage.  Soon a break was called and tea time was offered.  I was ecstatic to have some good masala tea and rushed out to meet with others and get some tea and cookies.  Enjoying the tea in a wonderful environment, looking out over the city of Colombo I could see fruit bats in a large tree, looking like giant leaves from so far away, they all took flight and I was amazed to see the spectacle of so many leathery wings leave this giant banyan tree.   Soon, I found a seat to sit and enjoy another cup and a small group of older women came to sit with me.  They asked who I was, how I had come to be here and etc.  I chatted with them and one, standing infront of me admonished me for sitting  and showing my foot to the Lord Buddha!  They explained the foible to me and told me they would be like my aunties and watch out for me for the rest of the day.  I felt terrible that I had done something that may have looked badly on my teacher and myself.   I was VERY self conscious of myself for the next session and when Bhante motioned me to come down to him again, I could feel those 'aunties' watching every move.   I told Bhante what had happened and apologized, he told me not to worry about it and take more photos.   Bhante wanted me to hear more of the presentations in French and Sinhalese and instructed me to sit in the center where the monks had the translator ear-pieces.  I was super hesitant, but he told me it was fine.  I found a seat and put the ear-piece in and began to take notes and photos.  Many seats were open around me, but in front of me was a very old monk and a very young novice who began to chat with me.  I could still feel the aunties watching me and felt very self conscious, so much that I tried to make myself look small, to no avail.  I am six feet tall, every monk around me was no more than 5'7".   Not only that I was in cargo shorts, and a blue tshirt.  They all were in maroon or orange robes.  Oh, yea, I had hair too, and am white.... 

A tea break was called and all the laity were instructed to leave the hall and tea in special cups with ginger cookes was handed out on China to the monks.  I started to get up and leave, but cups and saucers with tea and cookies kept coming my way.  I tried to pass them on, but soon everyone but me had one... Sitting there with a cup and saucer of tea in a group of monks was a bit much.  I told the elder monk in front of me that I must leave, but he had me stay... It was the most conscious I had ever been or have ever been drinking a cup of tea.  

Later in the day we had groups to discuss what things the buddhist community could do in light of the tsunami disaster and recovery efforts.  I sat in attendance with about 10 other people discussing an alternative to the Red Cross, as the Red Cross had not performed to the liking of the local governments.  We suggested something like a 'Red Lotus' or something to take the place of the Red Cross so Sri Lanka (and other Buddhist countries) could offer their own help.   I once had worked with an advertising agency called the Russ Reid Company that did advertising for World Vision International, among oher charities.  I told the group of this and my experiences helping with fundraising and list acquisition.   Within minutes a group of men showed up and asked me to follow them away from the group.   Once I did, they began to accuse me of being a spy for Christian groups and a saboture.  I hastily explained that I used to work for those companies and was not Christian, but a Buddhist.  Luckily Bhante came over and rescued me from the onslaught.  They demanded that I denounce World Vision and Christianity publicly infront of the conference.  Luckily nothing else came of it.  

This trip was an adventure of a lifetime for me.  We toured Galle and saw so much, met so many survivors and heard their stories. I even got to meet Sir Arthur C. Clarke (He wrote 2001 A Space Odyssey) as well as The Patch Adams.  But that is a story for another time. 

Suicide from meditation and beyond. A few articles and a few thoughts.

  reading about Buddhism and Meditation and suicide.  (see the articles below)

I have had experience with suicide for many years, both as a peer counselor, health care provider, Medic and Buddhist Minister.  I have known people that have wanted to kill themselves, I know people who have.  I have talked people out of it,  I have seen people in the process of attempting to kill themselves, I have even (like everyone) have had thoughts of it for myself as well.  I do not have extensive experience, nor any 'formal' training.  (I'll tell you why in a moment).  As a Buddhist Minister, meditation trainer/coach and natural health care provider I see some very interesting patterns in this mindfulness, McMindfulness and McMeditation trend.   I have been trained to practice Buddhism, and to relate that to "modern" psychological practices, to compare them.  To look at them from the outside...

As things like death, dis-ease and aging come more into focus since I notice myself aging, I find myself thinking and meditating on death more frequently.  Not to just ponder, but to become more familiar.  I get to looking up stuff and reading.  I have been a practicing and studying Buddhist Minister for nearly ten years, I have practiced meditation in one form or another for over 25 years, and in that time I have seen lots of advice and articles on all kinds of things 'meditation' and 'Buddhism'.  What I see again and again, is watered down Buddhist thought and practice.  Failure to use the work, the construct of Buddhist practice in dealing with any problem.  I see (or perceive) a fear of getting Buddhist philosophy/practice entangled with anything psychological.  However, Buddhist practice is ALL about the mind, ALL psychology.  Not Jungian, Freudian... Human.

In college I was a psychology major for a while, this was the mid 80's.  I really wanted to get to help people, maybe become a counselor or psychologist.  Here is the reason I stopped.  I was in my first upper division psychology class.  I think it was experimental psych or clinical psychology or something.  There was about thirty in the class, the professor was a well published and experienced man, a good role model and great teacher.  The first day he had us each stand and tell why we are choosing this line of work.  I was in the third seat back.  I was, at that time, very introverted and nervous about speaking in public so I did not hear the two preceding me.  When it was my turn I explained how I wanted to help people and understand the way the mind works, etc... simple and sincere.  No fluff.  I then noticed that almost every other person in the class was crazy!  They all were suicide survivors, addicts, rape survivors, real damaged goods.  Most seemed to think that by being though something made them better qualified to care for others.  Some seemed to think that they would get 'free' counseling and be able to work on themselves while getting a degree to help others.  I just saw a whole group of people that were suffering and in no way able or capable of helping themselves or others.  I completed the class, appalled by the dysfunction of these would be therapists.  It scared me.  I chose to look within...  That is when I found deeper meditation.  I also had the misconception that all these people were nuts.  Like having a blind person tell you they were going to help you look for a street sign.   Little did I understand that not only are we all suffering, but it is a vital part of that experience that we learn to help and be helped by anyone.  Everyone can be the teacher, student, guru, savior and victim.  It is all essential.  As Ram Das says, we are all just walking each other home...

Mediation as a 'diet' not a medicine... 

In the articles I have listed, and many others I see TALK about how meditation and mindfulness can help, but only in a limited way.  (Mindfulness as a non-Buddhist way of talking about meditation so that people who are afraid/leery of Buddhists or are of some other Religious construct would not be scared off...)   There are few concepts that are missing in the discussion, that surprise me.  Now, practice is NOT easy, it takes effort and time.  People who are suicidal do not always have those conveniences.  One quick act will end the whole conversation.  Just like a person in a 12 step program cannot be around their 'demon' especially in the beginning otherwise they can fall back into the sickness and addiction activity again.

So here is what seems too light or missing in the following (and other articles)

Non-self (the Anattakhalana)  The practice, discussion and realization that your thoughts are not you, your consciousness, etc are all not YOU.  There is no independent you or 'I' or 'me'.

Impermanence, a more difficult one I think.  One that is easy to logically grasp but not easy to hold onto.  W

Sila (Morality) This is the main one that I find missing in every article about meditation.  So many say that meditation does not really work for this or that, but fail to make sure that moral conduct is included.  That is a main premise in Buddhist practice.  How to live right and well.   You cannot do that just by sitting by yourself quietly.  You need the social construct of community and the support of those that are wiser, so you can follow them and become wiser yourself.  Not as a servant but as a student, to excel and eventually sit with the 'wise ones' and speak at the same level.  Discuss death, impermanence, loss, non-self, interdependence, and other concepts that give meditation structure and depth.  Sit and you just sit... A chicken sits.  A frog sits.  Are they gaining by it?  One cannot hope to do the same without some kind of thought process.  Yes, the beginning of meditation is to quell the thoughts, slow them down, but that is to get a chance to really see them and evaluate them, see how the mind and thoughts act.  Not to medicate and sedate.  That is (in my opinion) a very bad long term choice.  Short term, fine.

I like the article from 'Living from the Heart' it gives advice on watching what the mind does and picking apart the process of breath (as one breath is merely one life)  It also helps you associate impermanence with the breath. This, with some guidance and study can help you achieve a little more understanding of the frailty of the self, how the end of the breath can be the end.

The other articles emphasize the need for medical help.  I have seen and explored chemical imbalance and although an important part of well being, I believe we do not have a good enough grasp on chemical reactions in the body and the mind to really help people.  The vast majority of medications do nothing for the mind, they make you dull and heedless.  The fact that many people on these 'balancing' drugs often commit suicide does nothing to deal with inner or mind turmoil and lack of understanding and control of the five aggregates. Of course people will be upset with that, but people that are on anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety, and anti-depressants are never 'alright'  they will tell you.  They know.  They feel dull, sedated.  Sure that keeps them from overt outbursts, but maybe that is what they needed.  For sure, the mind and heart are complex.  There is no one answer, medication is not THE answer, meditation is not THE answer.  Not without some structure.  Not without some understanding of the self.    Hoping to just sit on a cushion will never help you if you have no plan, no process of thought.  Let the thoughts go wild and they will oblige.  They will give you all kinds of terrible things to dwell on.  Have a focus and you will naturally go for that.  The mind loves that kind of stuff.  Not just focusing on happy kittens and funny stuff but on understanding the conditions and accepting that there are all kinds of feelings and they are alright.  They are ok, it depends on how attached you become to them and how you can practice on letting those go.  Understanding your process and way of thinking and refining it wisely.  Only then you can see your suffering, only then you can do something about it.  Or, medicate and zombie out.

Unfortunately medicine (psychiatry and psychology) have gotten a hold of meditation and have stripped it to fit a clinical model.  ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), MBCT (Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy), and the like have all kinds of people thinking about thinking, not thinking about thinking, thinking about not thinking, or just sitting and breathing.  Breathing is a great start, but never picking apart or using a construct of moral self care or understanding which is essential to the practice is like watering it down in my opinion.  They talk about self awareness as if they are dealing with a machine.  As soon as the light goes on you take your medicine or do a breathing exercise.  Never do they approach the thought with some insight, how does it fit into any of the many constructs of practice?  The eight fold path, the five hindrances, the five aggregates, even the four noble truths...  et al.  Perhaps, and this is my assumption, is that Buddhist practice is too often considered a religious ceremonial process and not a way of being...  There are too many that would take any of the Buddhist concepts (I am talking the basic Buddhist stuff) and apply all kinds of bells, drums, esoteric chants, dances, smells, hats and other paraphernalia to somehow legitimize it and make sure that people have the idea that if you do not do it this specific way it will not work because you were not doing this or that in a specific way with a bell ring or certain hand motions.   Nonsense in my mind.  But wait... For Tibetans, Tibetan practice works, for Japanese, Japanese practice works.  For everyone else?  Find what works.  For you.

One of the articles actually addresses that and expands by rightfully saying not to go it alone.  Your mind is a scary and weird place.  Without a guide or a friend that can help you or even just 'Be' with you.  My best advice, get closer to yourself in meditation, get closer to your teachers and therapists.  Discuss getting away from the medications in a slow and logical way.  It can and has been done many times.  Remember medication is not supplementation.  Those are completely different.  If you have a chemical imbalance you need to supplement the chemical, the co-factors, an enzyme of some thing else.  Medication is to quiet you down so you do not feel what you may need to feel.  Not to experience what you need to experience, not to think.  You need to guide your mind, train it, learn about it.  Get to know you.  You have the answer.  I just might be in meditation... Stop trying it by yourself, find a group, a guru a teacher.  No 'bi-neural' beats or subliminal music.  That is a distraction.  No chemicals no drugs, no videos and no music.  Those are all distractions.  (good to start a practice but not to get deep).

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lodro-rinzler/meditation-isnt-enough-a-_b_5672580.html

https://iamheart.org/Puran_Bair/column/43suicide.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3383812/

http://nccam.nih.gov/research/results/spotlight/071514

http://www.madinamerica.com/2013/05/using-mindfulness-meditation-to-cope-with-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings/

 https://www.therecord.com/news/waterloo-region/she-was-clearly-battling-demons-mother-of-woman-who-went-missing-in-b-c-reeling/article_ca38812b-c6ac-5b96-9434-8289a31a5a1b.html

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/silent-meditation-retreats-under-scrutiny-after-free-spirit-artist-22-killed-herself-during-10-day-stay/ar-BB1jk1Nu?rc=1&ocid=winp1taskbar&cvid=9f5fd03f398141f7ddaad3cca2f11259&ei=36#comments

an example of the release document: https://www.dharma.org/wp-content/uploads/Questionnaire_2019-2020_REV.pdf

Updated April 2, 2024

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-13259975/The-dark-meditation-retreats-Two-Americans-kill-driven-psychosis-11-days-silence.html

I have many examples of this, but find each one dubious and suspect. Meditation as a practice is like a diet, not as a medicine in which you only take for a short time. This is a key aspect in these and other stories like it. Going on a 10 day retreat does not make you psychotic, UNLESS you were already, had a substance abuse problem, self medicated, or were quite prone to such issues. Certainly silent time can be troublesome if not guided properly, stewing in your own trubulent mind is never a good idea for long. This is why (usually) retreats should have certain breaks and other activities to break the monotony and give a little venting of the participants. Too many people are going to retreats with the idea that it somehow replaces therapy. Also, most of these stories have incidences of suicide weeks or months after the main retreat which although there may he a correlation but not causation... Meditate on that...I have taught meditation individually, and in groups for over 15 years, I teach at rehabilitation centers, residential programs and a psychiatric hospital. I think this stuff should be discussed and contemplated but should also we should look into these stories with intent...