Who was Shadow?
Shadow was a Jack Russel/Chihuahua mix. He was born in Ordot, Guam in 2008 we figured around May. In September of 2008 he came to live in Los Angeles with me and he was certainly 'my Shadow' he was at my office with me every day. Eventually we ended up living at the Rosemead Buddhist Monastery where he would chase and be chased by monks and nuns. That is where he met Lama Jigme Dorge of the Khawalung Monastery, Kathmandu, Nepal. They became quick friends.
In 2010 I moved us to Colorado. Shadow was with me every moment. Shadow went on many adventures with me, in his life he encountered prairie dogs, bull snakes, coyotes, FOUR bulls and even a bear. He was fearless... He was a mouser and hunted them relentlessly. He often caught them indoors, outdoors, in the snow even.
Every day he came with me, when the Lama (Jigme Dorge) came to visit he would gently hold Shadow's chin with the finger tips of both hands and talk to him.
We went to the tops of 14,000 foot mountains of the Rockies, the Grand Canyon, swamps, deserts, forests, and prairies as far as you could see. He was always free, and my greatest teacher.
In 2022 he became ill, turns out he had a large tumor. The vet thought that although he was pretty old, he was strong. All the tests and checkups indicated a good chance of success.
His surgery was on April 15th. It went well, the surgeon called me to say it went as good as he planned and expected an 80% chance of recovery. His tumor did take up some of his stomach and pancreas so he would have to be on enzymes and probably insulin. They had even prepared for that. I was able to bring him home with me that day. He was groggy, had medicines and needed to be turned over every 15 minutes. I sat up with him... Later that night he began to fuss, I gave him a dose of his pain medicine and soon he was calm. I laid with him, nose to nose. I talked to him and reassured him (actually I tried to reassure myself more)... He began to have unsteady breathing so I woke my girlfriend and her daughter to come sit with us. He soon took his last breaths. It was crushing to me. I had no idea that much emotion would come out so quickly. I really was trying to be strong and ready... That was not an option.
We had him cremated. His ashes, in an urn are on the mantle. Still with me.
Two days after he died, the Lama (now a Rinpoche) called me and told me he had a dream of me and the dog and wanted to know if I was ok. This was another blow. There was no way for him to have found that out. I told him of the death, and he immediately gave me the homework of the altar set up (which I had already done) and to begin with the Bardo Thodol. He also requested a photo of Shadow so he could also do a ceremony at the Monastery in Kathmandu. I figured he would place a small picture on his desk or something. (see the video)...
The Bardo
Prayers (derived from Terton Karma Lingpa’s rendition of the Bardo Thodol)
I started the Bardo readings after my dog, Shadow died following surgery for a tumor. He was with me every day at work for over 13 years. He was born in Guam in a place called Ordot in 2008. I brought him back to Los Angeles and then he came with me when I moved to Colorado. He has lived with me at the Buddhist temple (the Los Angeles Buddhist Union, the Rosemead Buddhist Monastery) where he playfully chased Shaolin monks, Tibetan Lamas and Chinese monks and nuns. It was an adventure. He lived in my office, basically homeless, for two years with me after a most troubling divorce, travelled far and wide for all the 'coddiwomple' adventures we could handle. We have hiked 14'ers and also through forests and prairies, and stood at the edge of the Grand Canyon, he had tangles with deer, prairie dogs, snakes, coyotes, geese and once took on four bulls all by himself. We even had to run down the hill from a bear once. He was a special friend. Oddly and out of the blue, two days after he died the Rinpoche, Jigme Dorge of the Khawalung Monastery in Kathmandu, Nepal called me. He had a dream of me and my dog and wanted to know if I was ok. Once I explained that Shadow had passed he immediately told me to start reading the Bardo Thodol out loud for him and that he would also offer a puja and instruct his monastery (Khawalung in Kathmandu, Nepal) to do the same. I read this and more out loud for him every day, left offerings of his favorite treats and water as well as light and incense at my altar. I have taken this from the book mentioned above and edited it a little for easy reading as well as took out Shadow's name for this edition. That way you can copy and replace 'name' with the name of your loved one.
This reading or chant helped me to come to terms to losing my best friend. I knew him as a confidant, a protector, companion and friend. I would do anything for him, this is the last of things I could do for him. May he find a wonderfully peaceful, suffering free life of love, and kindness. This is the simple version and is said at anytime as you will see. The Bardo instructions will be posted soon, a day by day account of how we deal with grief in the Buddhist (Vajrayana) tradition. Of course there are many ways that we process dying in Buddhist belief. Sometimes we offer the favorite foods of the deceased and say prayers, transfers of merit and readings and contemplations on death.
Having grown up in the West, my father was more naturalistic and my mother, Catholic. The ways we handled grief was in the Church, solemnly. When I became a minister of Buddhism I attended many funerals and services, spoke at many as well. Oddly enough I was also a bagpiper for the Los Angeles Police Emerald Society for five years and there we did many funerals and memorials as well. I am not a stranger to death or the grieving process. I understand that we all grieve differently and it is in no way a linear process. Elizabeth Kubler Ross kind of outlined the grieving process in terms and ways the Westerner can understand. We see each of those; Shock, Denial, Frustration (anger), Depression, Decision and Integrating or acceptance in the Bardo itself. As you read through, there are fearsome, angry and sad beings that walk with you and the deceased on the road to acceptance. They help you by having you really experience each of those aspects of the grief process.
In the months before Shadow died I really tried to ready and 'steel' myself for his inevitable passing. I knew we would not be together forever, and made the decision to make his life as comfortable and loving as possible. When he died I thought I would have been much better at handling it. I was not. I was a complete mess, for over a week I was in shock. After the Rinpoche gave me my 'assignment' I was on my way. I chanted, contemplated, and rested in the memory of my little friend. I missed him so much. I tried to be stoic like I thought a 'good' Buddhist would be, but no way. I was a mess. Aimless, like in the fog myself. Each day of the Bardo I read was more and more real. It was my reality. I was confused and bewildered. I couldn't believe it. I read and wrote and tried my best to keep up with the offerings and the chanting, even if only to myself in my own head. I became as lost as the deceased do in the Bardo, it was an important distinction and helped me to really study harder for the sake of myself and all beings. It made me want to make the world better.
I have been around death, funerals, memorials and all that throughout my adult life. I thought studying and practicing Buddhism would help me understand life. Now it seems, it helps me to understand death too. For a long time I felt that being a good Buddhist would mean that I would not be emotive, like some kind of Vulcan like Spock, where feelings were 'illogical' and should be discarded. This is further from the truth of Buddhist practice than violence is, in my experience and opinion.
I remembered being with my teacher Ven. Chao Chu, who I simply called Bhante, for a funeral of a young man that was assassinated by a drug gang. This was in Los Angeles, he left behind a fiance that was pregnant. To boot, he was a Mormon (his family was) and her family was Vietnamese Buddhists. This posed a BIG problem. The bad karma of being murdered and in the situation he was killed in posed a very big karmic issue for the remaining family and especially for the unborn child his fiance carried.
We arrived at the Mormon Temple and Bhante had me pick some juniper branch so he could offer water for blessings. I was in my robes and there was one other Vietnamese monk with us. Bhante was the elder and master of the group. I told him I was not familiar enough with the chanting to be of any use. He encouraged me to at least follow along as best as I could and harmonize if I could not follow. That basically meant humming in the same tones as the chanting. The intent and presence was the most important. It was also important that I, a white man, be there to 'buffer' the experience for those in attendance. I remember as Bhante spoke to the group of family and friends his voice became shaky. His eyes were welling up! I could not handle that. My eyes too began to well up and I felt that all too familiar lump in my throat. Neither of us knew the man who lie in the open casket, we did not know the pregnant mourning fiance. He talked about the transfer of merit and explained the undetermined lifespan we are all subject to. Our impermanence. He explained how important it was for each of us to 'live a good life' , etc. See, I thought this was a 'regular' day for Bhante. He had done hundreds or thousands of funerals and memorials. I had been to a dozen in just a year or two with him. I figured he would have been non emotive, stoic, in total equanimity. He too had 'the feels' for this poor family. We even stayed to answer questions about the ceremony and process, even after a few of the people in the congregation left and chided us for doing a ceremony in a Christian place of worship.
He explained something very important to me that I hold with me each day, each time there is tragedy, loss, sadness, or frustration. That we are human, we have human emotions, love, kindness, compassion, and are... not yet Buddhas. Sadness for others is empathy. We too have lost. That is what makes us human, the interaction, the interdependence understanding we gain from practice. That is what Buddhism is about. Connection. That experience let me really feel those emotions and be OK with them. Regardless of who they were about. To let myself grieve. That and reading the Bardo helped. I hope it helps you.
The Bardo Prayers.
At the time of your own death, or at any time, request the
Buddha’s and Bodhisattvas’ aid as follows; Make physical and mental offerings
to the three jewels, and holding fragrant incense recite with great fervor.
(The offerings for the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Mahakalas (Dharma Protectors), Consorts, Devas and Dakinis can either be of the Tibetan style which would include the Eight offerings of; water to wash with, water to drink, flowers, incense, light, perfume, food to eat, and music (cymbals). As well as other offerings for other Mahakalas such as candy, meat, and liquor. I use a more manageable and simple offering of; light, water, incense, a flower and food. You will also be offering your service and honoring of the Triple Gem which includes the tisarana chant and three prostrations. Also on the altar is the photo or name of the deceased. I did this at the mini altar we have on the mantle with the ashes of Shadow in the center.)
"Buddhas and bodhisattvas dwelling the ten directions, endowed
with great compassion, wisdom, vision, and love.
You, who are the refuge and protectors of beings, through your great
compassion please come to this place.
Please accept these offerings set out for you.
Compassionate ones, you have mastered to an unimaginable
extent, wisdom, loving compassion, and skillful action. This person, __Name_ is going beyond this
world to another and is abandoning this world.
_____name___ is at death’s door, without friends or family, in great
suffering, without refuge, protectors or relatives or friends. __name___ life perceptions are fading away,
going to a different realm.
_Name_ is entering a dense darkness, falling to a great
abyss, going into a thick forest, the forces of karma drives (him on) off to an
empty wasteland, tossed in great waves. Impelled
by this karmic wind finds him/herself with nowhere to stop and rest, finds him/herself
in the midst and mist of a great battle, seized by demons.
The lord of death’s minions fills him/her with terror, from
one existence he/she goes to yet another, helpless and afraid.
Alone and friendless, the time is here where he/she must
go. Oh, compassionate ones, please give
refuge to ___Name__, for he/she has no defense, no friends or family to help
him/her now, please protect him/her and be those things to him/her now.
Please, with your great compassion save him/her from the
vast darkness of the bardo.
Shield him/her from the great winds of karma, protect him/her
from the terrors of the Lord of Death.
Deliver __name__ from the long polluted bardo.
Compassionate ones, please be generous with your compassion
and come to his/her aid. Do not let him/her
go to the three lower realms, guide them from Samsara.
Quickly show the power of your compassion, remember your
vows to help. Please be generous in your
compassion and commitment for __name__.
Hold him tight with your compassion, do not leave him/her to the forces
of negative karma.
Please save him/her from the suffering of the bardo.
…
Root of the Bardo.
Oh, now that the bardo of birth is arising for me, I abandon
laziness for which there is no time in this life, I shall ender the undistracted
path of listening, reflection, contemplation, and meditation. I shall develop appearances and mind as the path,
I shall actualize the three kayas: the body of truth, bliss and emanation.
Now, for once I have obtained the blessing of a human body, there
is no time to rest on the path of distraction.
Oh, the bardo of dreams arises for me, abandoning the
careless, sleeping corpse of ignorance, I shall guide my undistracted mind to
the natural state, taking control of my dreams, may purify delusion into clear
bright light. I will not sleep like an animal;
it is important to practice sleep and direct perceptions of reality together.
Oh, now the bardo of meditation arises for me, I abandon the
mass of distractions and confusion, I enter the states free of the extremes
like distraction and grasping, I will attain stability in the development and completion
stages, and jhanas. I abandon activity
that is pointless, I will practice one-pointed meditation. I will not fall to the power of delusion and negativity.
Oh, now the bardo of death arises for me. I abandon all attachment, grasping and
clinging. I am undistracted, I enter into clear understanding of the instructions
I have heard. I transfer my own awareness
into the sphere of the space of the unborn. As I am about to be parted from this body of
flesh and blood, I realize it is and illusion and is impermanent. I abandon panic and perceptions of terror as
they too are illusion and I recognize whatever arises for me as the natural manifestations
of my own awareness. I understand and
realize that this is the way the bardo appears.
An important moment will arise when cessation is possible, I will not fear
the throng of peaceful and wrathful deities as they are the manifestation of my
mind.
Oh the bardo of becoming again is arising for me. I hold in my mind one-pointed longing, I will
try and prolong my good karma. Stopping up
the entrance to the womb, I remember to turn away from it. It is now that I must have courage, determination,
and pure perception. I abandon jealousy and
anger; I will meditate on the great teacher in union with his consort. I will not think on death but on a long
life. Realizing that I had accomplished
only pointless and unskillful activities in this life I know I would be unwise
to return now, empty handed. I recognize
the cure to my ailments is the Dharma teachings. I vow to practice the dharma at this moment,
now. If I can keep the words of my
teachers to heart, I will not betray myself.
May the verses of this bardo as I speak to them not come to
an end until I have gone beyond Samsara and all of Samsara is emptied.
Prayer for deliverance from the narrow passage of the
bardo.
"I pay homage to my teachers, the manifestations of the Buddha
mind and the host of dakinis that help me. With your great love and compassion,
please guide me well on the path of luminous, undistracted listening. May I reflect and meditate on your
teachings. Supported and protected by
all the mothers of the past and all the dakinis to help me, may I be delivered
from the narrow and frightening passage of the bardo. Escort me to the land of the pure light, to perfect
Buddhahood. When I wander from intense
ignorance through the realms of Samsara, Buddha (Vairocana) please guide me on
the luminous path of the wisdom for the Dharamdhatu. Guided by your consort Dhatisvari, deliver me
from that terrifying passage. Escort me together
to the pure land of Buddhahood. If I
find that I am aggressive and angry in the wanderings of Samsara, please Buddha
(Vajrasattva) guide me on the mirror like path of luminous wisdom. Gently guided by your consort Buddhalocana
deliver me from this narrow, terrifying passage. Escort me to the land of the totally pure
Buddhahood. If I wander in Samsara with
pride and arrogance, I beg Buddha Ratnasambhava to guide me on the luminous
path of Equalizing Wisdom. Gently
supported by Mamaki, your consort delivers me from the terrifying narrow
passage of the bardo. Escort me to the land of perfect Buddhahood. If am found wandering with desire and
attachment in Samsara, please Buddha Amitabha, guide me on the luminous path of
the Wisdom of discernment. Gently
supported by your consort, Pandavarasini, deliver me from the terrifying narrow
passage of the bardo. Escort me to the
land of the totally pure, perfect Buddhahood. If I travel Samsara jealous, please, Buddha Amoghasiddi
guide me well on the luminous path of All accomplishing wisdom. Gently your consort, Samaya-tara help deliver
me from the terrifying and narrow passage of the bardo. Escort me to the land of totally pure and
perfect Buddhahood.
If I wander Samsara with strong habits and tendencies may
the dakas and Vidyadharas guide me on the luminous path of co-emergent
wisdom. Deliver me from the bardo’s
terrifying narrow passage. Escort me to
the land of pure, perfect Buddhahood.
When I am wandering in delusion in Samsara, may the army of
peaceful and wrathful deities guide me on the luminous path that abandons panic
and terrifying appearances. Supported
and protected by the army of dakinis who control space, deliver me from the
bardo’s terrifying narrow passages.
Escort me to the land of totally pure, perfect Buddhahood.
Oh, may the space element not arise as an enemy to me, may I
see it as the pure realm of the blue Buddha.
May the water element not be an enemy to me, may I see it as the pure
realm of the white Buddha. May the earth
element not be an enemy to me, may I see it as the pure realm of the yellow
Buddha. May the element of fire not be
an enemy to me, may I see it as the pure realm of the red Buddha. May the wind element not be an enemy to me,
may I see it as the pure realm of the green Buddha. May the rainbow element not be an enemy to
me, may I see it as the pure realm of the various Buddhas. May the sounds and lights not arise as enemies
to me, may I see them as the pure realm of all-encompassing peaceful and
wrathful deities. May I realize the
sounds to be my own sounds, the lights to be my own lights, the rays to be my
own rays. May I recognize the bardo to
be my own manifestation and appearance, and may I realize the pure realm of the
three kayas of truth, bliss, and emanation.
The prayer that protects from fear in the bardo.
"Oh, when this life of mine has fallen apart, time does not
vanish from this world. I wander alone
in the bardo but the victorious peaceful and wrathful deities show me the power
of their compassion and dispel the darkness of ignorance. As I wander alone from my friends and family
the empty reflections of my own perceptions will arise, but the Buddhas show
the power of their compassion to me so that the panic and terror of the bardo
do not occur for me. When the five
lights of the clear wisdoms arise, may I be fearless and undaunted, recognizing
them as my own manifestations of appearance. When the forms of the peaceful and
wrathful deities arise to scare me, may I be fearless and confident, knowing
that this is the bardo and that the compassionate one’s guide and protect
me. When, due to my negative karma I
experience suffering, may the victorious peaceful and wrathful deities dispel the
suffering. When the natural sound of the
Dharmata roars and sounds as loud as a thousand thunderclaps, may I be
transformed into the sound of the dharma of the Great Vehicle. When without any refuge I am pursued by
karma, the victorious and wrathful deities become a refuge for me and all others. When I experience the karma of suffering of
my habitual tendencies, may the blissful clear light of samadhi arise. At the moment of seeming rebirth in the bardo
of becoming occurs, may no negative signs arise to turn me back to Samsara. When I am transported anywhere by the power
of thought may the delusions of terror of negative karma not occur. When wild beasts roar, growl and hiss may it
be transformed into the sound of the Dharma.
The six-syllable mantra. When I
am soaked by cold rain and snow, driven and whipped by wind and covered in
darkness may I obtain the divine eye of clear wisdom. Mya the different kinds of beings in the
bard, with their various experiences and great compassion be without jealousy and
be born in higher realms. When
negativity and extreme emotion causes hunger and thirst, may the suffering of
thirst, hunger, heat and cold not occur.
As soon as I see my future parents in union, creating me, may I see them
as the victorious peaceful and wrathful beings in union. I will obtain control over where I will be
born for the sake of others. May I
obtain a supreme body, graced with marks and signs that are auspicious. Having been born with a supreme body, may all
who see or hear me be quickly liberated.
May whatever merit I have accumulated increase and follow me. Wherever and whoever I am born as, may I
encounter the deity of my previous life.
As soon as I am born, may I be able to speak and walk, and regain
without forgetting again, the memory of my past lives. May I
learn great, small and medium things by studying or even just seeing or hearing
them. May all sentient beings become
happy and free from suffering, may I be like the medicine, the nurse, the shade
tree, the bridge to help them out of Samsara.
Victorious peaceful and wrathful deities, just as your bodies, your entourage,
your lifespan, and your pure realm, and just as your supreme and excellent
marks all are, may I and others become like that. By the compassion and power of the perfect
peaceful and wrathful beings, and the power and truth of the completely pure
Dharmata, and by the blessing of accomplishing single pointed mantra practice
may the wishes of this prayer be realized and accomplished. May the prayer that protects from fear in the
bardos never end until Samsara is empty, and all beings have been emancipated
from all sufferings.
I will continue this post with a day by day chanting and ceremonial set. These are NOT the traditional Bardo Thodol that a monk would do. They are MY rendition as I was trained in Theravada and Mahayana processes as well as Vajrayana. I am a non-sectarian Buddhist Minister/Priest and am not bound by lineage or tradition. I am able to use what is best understandable and useful to me and my parishioners. I stand to hold space and intent in the practice, not follow only traditional ceremony. I use this to help in understanding and development of compassion, loving kindness, and wisdom. I do this writing for my own development and process, no insult or harm is intended. Forgive me if it does.
Shadow passed into stillness on April 15th, 2022 at the age of 14. He was surrounded by family when he took his last breath. He was and still is loved. Rest in peace little buddy...
Written 05/25/22
May 31, 2022. I spoke to the Rinpoche the other day, Shadow's 49th day in the Bardo will be on June 3. I will present all the offerings and read aloud the blessings and invocation of the Mahakalas, Bodhisattvas and Buddhas that day. He will have found his next life already and a transfer of merit will also be offered for his new existence.
June 2, 2022. Today it is the 48th day, Shadow will leave the Bardo tomorrow. He will have found his new existence, he may have, in fact found it much earlier. He did not have the jealousy or other human feelings of greed etc, so he will have passed much sooner from this to the next life. He may have, because of familiarity and comfort that he did have in this life become a dog again. He may also become human or leave the wheel of Samsara altogether, as he had heard the Dharma and was in attendance to many of the teachers and the teachings. He lived with me when I was at the Monastery and he would chase the monks around and play. He chased the Rinpoche, a Shaolin monk as well as others that were there. I miss him so much, offering my merit, any and all for his new existence. May he be happy, free from suffering and find ease in his life.
June 4, 2022.
Today I received a message from Rinpoche. He has performed Monlam (Prayer for healing and auspicious rebirth). This was done on his 49th day of the Bardo. Shadow has now gone to the new parents. May he be happy, free from worry, may he find kindness, love and compassion, may he be free from affliction and suffering. May he touch the world as he had touched me.
Here is a link for a memorial video I did for him... I still miss him, but we will find each other again... some day, somewhere...
The story of Shadow and his bardo
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